why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
