My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize