dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Randomize
