I think I won the penis lottery.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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