This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
