nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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