I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
