i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
