can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
