remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
