Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
