Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
