I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
