then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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