he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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