He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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