I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
