My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
