I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
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