He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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