You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
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