Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize