hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
