I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Randomize
