anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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