im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
