i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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