dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
