I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
