Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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