I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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