I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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