is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
