Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
