I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I just found puke in my bra..
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
