Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize