so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
