when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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