he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
