I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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