Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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