just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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