Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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