woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
