he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Bang-toberfest begins!!
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
