Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
