Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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