I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
