Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
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