I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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