i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
