She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
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