I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
