I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
