'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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