I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
