Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
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