Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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