the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
