He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
